Reframing Fear of Judgment for Women

Early in my career, when I shared the story of a workshop that completely bombed (an email announcing layoffs arrived in everyone's inbox during day 1 lunch of a two-day program -- and I had no idea how to handle this), three women immediately reached out to share their own "disaster" stories. We realized we'd all been carrying shame about normal learning experiences while watching men turn similar setbacks into compelling leadership narratives about risk-taking and resilience. The conversation that we had was more valuable than any success story I could have shared. As women, we are stuck in a double-bind: we are less likely to share our successes AND we are less likely to share our failures. Today, I'm talking about the latter. Sharing failure stories normalizes setbacks as part of growth rather than evidence of inadequacy. When we women are vulnerable about their struggles and what they learned, it creates permission for others to reframe their own experiences. This collective storytelling helps distinguish between individual challenges and systemic issues that affect many women similarly. Men more readily share and learn from failures, often turning them into evidence of their willingness to take risks and push boundaries. Women, knowing our failures are judged more harshly, tend to hide them or frame them as personal shortcomings. This creates isolation around experiences that are actually quite common and entirely normal parts of professional development. Open discussion about setbacks establishes the expectation that failing is not only normal but necessary for success. It builds connection and community among women who might otherwise feel alone in their struggles. When we reframe failures as data and learning experiences rather than shameful secrets, we reduce their power to limit our future risk-taking and ambition. Here are a few tips for sharing and learning from failure stories: • Practice talking about setbacks as learning experiences rather than personal inadequacies • Share what you learned and how you've applied those lessons, not just what went wrong • Seek out other women's failure stories to normalize your own experiences • Look for patterns in women's challenges that suggest systemic rather than individual issues (and then stop seeing systemic challenges as personal failures!) • Create safe spaces for honest conversation about struggles and setbacks • Celebrate recovery and growth as much as initial success • Use failure stories to build connection and mentorship relationships with other women We are not the sum of our failures, but some of our failures make us more relatable, realistic, and ready for our successes. So let's not keep them to ourselves. #WomensERG #DEIB #failure

Confession: I worry. A lot. Not just the big stuff (my kid’s health, my team’s happiness, my students’ success)… I also worry about the thing I shouldn’t worry about: what people think of me. I wish I could always trust my instincts. Just do me, be me. But it’s something I really struggle with. Then my friend Jodie Cook handed me a reframe I can’t stop thinking about: “If someone throws a ball to you… you don’t have to catch it.” Same with words, opinions, and judgments. Does that hit you like it hit me? (catch it if you like it!) I realized: I’m a ball catcher. I try too hard. I over-smile. I say yes when I want to say no. I even fake laugh (working on it!). What I need is to become a ball dropper: to remember it’s OK not to click with everyone, to know my preferred “flavors” of people, and to keep boundaries with toxic people (and toxic balls). Jodie and I sat down to map out how to do this. Here are the steps we landed on: 1. Click with the right people You don’t have to be everyone’s idea of heaven. It’s healthy to be closer to a few and neutral with the rest. Action: List the people (or fictional characters!) you naturally click with and don’t. What traits and values repeat? That’s your compass. 2. Focus on what you can control You can’t control reactions. You can control effort, intent, and craft. Action: Grab a pen and paper. Create two columns for things you can control and those you can’t. Cut the paper in half and get rid of the list of the things you can’t control. 3. Be judgment-free Judgment creeps into everything (others and ourselves). • Seeing someone unfit in the gym? Judgment • Seeing someone too fit in the gym? Judgment • Other drivers cut us off? Judgment When you treat judgments like weather (they pass), they matter less… and so do other people’s judgments of you. Action: Pick a simple affirmation (e.g., “I’m grounded in my values”) and repeat it when judgment shows up. 4. Zoom out your perspective When one person doesn’t like us, we globalize it (this means we think a large number of people dislike us). Try this: Visualize on the top of your building → Then visualize your city → the planet → the galaxy. You’ll realize how minor your problems can be. 5. Protect your energy Visualize a clear jar over your head. Let negative words bonk off the glass. Or picture the opinion-ball sailing toward you… and don’t catch it. Let it drop. (Visualization isn’t woo; used regularly, it works.) If this resonates, you’re not alone. I’m a recovering ball catcher turning into a proud ball dropper.

There's one thing at the core of most of my leadership coaching conversations: Fear of judgment. It's our primal need for acceptance colliding with our desire for authenticity. I see it in the most accomplished leaders: "I can't leave my company even though I'm miserable. What if everyone thinks I'm disloyal after all they've invested in me?" "I want to share what truly matters to me outside of work. What if no one relates to me?" "If I maintain high standards, will my team secretly resent me for being too demanding?" "If I say no to this project, will they say I can't handle what others can?" "What if I admit I no longer feel passionate about this field I've built my entire identity around?" Most leaders don't recognize this tension. They're too consumed by the fear. Too paralyzed by potential rejection. Too afraid that being themselves will cost them belonging. So, they keep performing, constantly adjusting, never quite embodying the authentic leadership they're capable of. But, here's the thing: That giant, scary dinosaur? It's not real. Neither are most of the judgments we anticipate from others. When coaching creates space for leaders to examine these fears, something powerful happens. They discover that true acceptance never required hiding parts of themselves. That authentic leadership attracts more meaningful connection than performance ever could. The shift from fear-based leadership to authentic influence requires one thing: STOP PERFORMING. START BEING. 📸 Elizabeth Uccello, capturing our authentic + joyful moment 5 years ago

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! Let me explain. Yesterday, while working on one of my favorite modules, Communication & Presence, as part of a leadership training for middle managers of an FMCG company, something powerful happened. One of the teams -who happened to be all women- brought to light an issue that many women experience at work but often struggle to name. And it's none other than the double bind dilemma. Speak up too much, and you’re seen as aggressive. Hold back, and you’re overlooked. It’s a lose-lose situation. In other words, we hold women to different standards than men and they are penalized no matter how they choose to communicate. This isn't just based on personal experiences, it's widely researched. • Women who are assertive are 30% more likely to be labeled as "abrasive" in performance reviews compared to men • In group discussions, men interrupt women 33% more often than they interrupt other men If you think it's not the case, think again. This is actually how unconscious biases work. They are...unconscious! ⮑ If you're a woman, reflect on how many times you had to rephrase or reconsider your tone or even your expectations from your team, for fear of being judged as "too bossy". ⮑ If you're a man, reflect on how many times you've heard a woman assert herself in the workplace and thought, "she's too tough" or "she complains too much", when the same behavior from a male colleague wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow. This isn’t just about confidence, but about deeply ingrained biases that penalize women for the same behaviors that are rewarded in men. And it has real consequences: fewer women in leadership, fewer diverse perspectives in decision-making, and an ongoing cycle that keeps workplaces inequitable. So, what can we do? ⮑ If you’re a leader, watch for biases in performance feedback and promotions. Are women in your team held to different standards than men? ⮑ If you’re in a meeting, actively invite women’s perspectives and call out interruptions when they happen. ⮑ If you’re a woman, know that it’s not about you, it’s about systems. Build a support network, advocate for yourself, and push for change. Given that International Women’s Day is just around the corner, let’s move beyond celebration and into action. It’s time to change the conversation and the structures that hold women back. What are your thoughts? Have you experienced or witnessed the double bind in action? Let’s talk in the comments. 👇 #IWD #Leadership #Communication #GenderEquality

Career acceleration doesn’t come from playing it safe — it comes from taking bold, strategic risks🧗🏽. 👉🏽Too many talented women are unconsciously holding themselves back by waiting to be “ready.” ✨ For decades, we’ve been taught to be careful, cautious, and calculated — while our male counterparts are encouraged to take risks, ask for promotions, and step into leadership roles before they feel fully prepared. The result? Research shows men apply for jobs when they meet only 60% of qualifications. Women? We wait until we hit 100%. 💡 And here’s the truth no one tells you: playing it safe holds women back more than failure ever could. As a leadership coach, I see this pattern everywhere — brilliant, capable women sitting on sidelines, over-preparing, and under-claiming their worth. And I get it. 👏🏽 Fear of failure, perfectionism, and social conditioning run deep. But the cost of playing it safe is far too high. ✨ So let’s flip the script: ✅ Reframe risk as growth. Every risk teaches you something. There’s no growth in the comfort zone. ✅ Start small. Speak up in meetings. Apply for that stretch role. Pitch your idea. ✅ Shift your “what if I fail?” to “what if I soar?” ✅ Track your risks and celebrate the lessons — whether you win or wobble. ✅ Ask for what you want. Now. Promotions, pay raises, leadership roles. The time is now. And as leaders, we must normalize bold decision-making for women. 1️⃣Sponsor her 2️⃣Give her stretch projects 3️⃣Praise imperfect action.🚀 Build safe spaces for risk and reward. Because when one woman steps forward, she makes it safer for the next to follow. 🔥 💥 You don’t have to be 100% ready. You just have to be 100% willing.💯 The world needs your ideas, your leadership, and your courage — not your caution🎯. So, tell me — what’s one bold risk you’re ready to take this month? Drop it in the comments 👇🏽 — let’s cheer each other on. 🚀✨ Link to WorkersCompensation.com article in the comments below👇🏽 Comment, Like, Follow, Share🔆 #womensupportingwomen  #womenempoweringwomen  #womeninleadership  #leadershipdevelopment  #executivecoaching  #courage  #confidencebuilding  #igniteyourshineownanddriveyourdestiny