Why We Still Struggle to Collaborate with Others And Why This Understated Skill Can Be Your Career Superpower

I recently attended LinkedIn News "Live at Davos" interview with Roland Busch , CEO of Siemens. He shared that fostering collaboration is key for organisations to stay relevant and ahead of the curve.

Therefore, it made me reflect on the word "collaboration."

Today, we throw the word "collaboration" around like it's a buzzword, but have we really been able to achieve successful collaboration?

While I agree that collaboration is key to progress, and history have shown us that. I feel that more often than not, I've seen promises of collaborations break down to misunderstandings, mistrusts and frustration all around.

Just take an example I saw recently on the popular Netflix Cooking Reality Show - Culinary Class Wars. I watched on intriguingly as a group of famous Chefs (many of them run Michelin-starred restaurants) struggled to work effectively together as a team and even clashed.

But why do we often fail at collaboration?

From my years of experiences as a leadership communications coach and speaker, I've been studying the best collaborators, as well as observing those who failed at collaborations.

As I reflect on my own experiences, I've identified one less-obvious, but nevertheless pivotal skill that's key to collaboration: I call it the ability to "play well with others."

It's the kind of energy we project when we're around people.

To help you better understand what I mean, let's reflect on these questions:

• Have you met people who constantly want to dominate and be the alpha within groups? They are too visible. They may suck the life out of the room with their presence and energy.
• At the same time, have you met people who are just "quiet followers" who "get along with the program" without fuss? They are invisible.
• Yet, in between these extremes, there are some people who just have a presence about them that are firm but welcoming. They just have a knack of making everyone in the room feel safe, included, seen and heard?
• Have you met people who makes you feel that they are very conscious about status, and try to show they are superior to others, whether through what they say, how they dress, or just simply their "energy"? I wrote a separate article on status games here.
• Have you noticed that some people can be more sensitive to others about maintaining 面子 ("face") and may be more prone to "status signalling" behaviours? (This is probably even more prominent in the Asian culture).

Without realising it, these factors all often get in the way of effective collaboration.

So What Exactly is "Playing Well with Others"?

Playing well with others may come naturally to many people, it even sounds trivial like some "playground politics."

But actually it runs very deep!

As children, probably one of the earliest formative experiences of learning how to coexist well with others, is at the playground. Before even going to school, it's our first interactions with "strangers", people outside our family. It's where we learn social skills.

We may not know it but we'd be unconsciously asking ourselves questions such as:

• Who is stronger/weaker than me?
• Who is the most popular here? Who has the most friends?
• How do I fit in so that I'm well liked?
• What behaviours are accepted here? Celebrated here?
• What behaviours are frowned upon? Cancelled?

[Sidenote: Did you realise that these are the very questions that we're asking as adults in workplaces, in business circles, and even on social media?]

For me, I did not have this "formative training."

I grew up in a normal HDB neighbourhood, but my mother forbade me to go play with the other kids at the playground (the "dragon playground", if you grew up in Singapore in the 1980s and 90s, you'll know what I'm taking about!).

"I don't want you to mix with bad company and learn bad things from them!" She'd explain to me. So I'd often sit by my room window staring enviously at the other kids playing there.

My mum also prioritised doing well in school, which meant I always had to have better grades than others. It probably was made worse when I made it to a prestigious Secondary School but there I was a victim of serial bullying.

I became even more socially anxious - and so I kept to myself.

Playing Well with Others Didn't Come Naturally to Me

So how have these early experiences shaped my life as an adult?

For a long-time, I've often experienced "status anxiety" in the workplace. I've sometimes been given the feedback by my bosses that "Coen, you're not a good team-player."

And then of all the career choices I could have made, I became a speaker!

People often say "Speakers have HUGE Egos!"

I understand that argument. After all, we need that to summon up the energy to be able to "command a room" and speak on stage and speaking is often a "solo sport."

To me, it's not about the Size of the Ego that Matters, It's the HEALTH of the Ego. I consciously cultivate humility and curiosity, and put myself in unfamiliar situations and challenges to cultivate a more Healthy Ego. Being able to do that is key to also "playing well with others"

A Profound Learning that Taught Me How to "Play Well with Others"

Talking of unfamiliar situations and challenges, one of the most profound lesson was back in 2018, when I learnt Improv Theatre from the late Keith Johnstone, the original founder of Improv himself.

A key tenet of improv is "making your partner look good." Such a simple-sounding thing, but Oh... So... HARD to do!

Since I've been a speaker, and often have the whole stage to myself, I didn't know how to "play well" with people. I was so conscious of appearing stupid by having nothing smart to say, that I'd be "wrestling for control" of a scene with my partner. It got so bad after a few tries that Keith gave me the brutal feedback:

"Coen, Listen! You've to learn how to 'play well with others'. It's like a 'dance' of co-leading each other. Trusting and allowing your partner to lead the scene with what he/she says, following up with a supportive line and leading with your own contribution. This exchange of leader-follower-leader dynamic between partners is so subtle, but when done well, makes a smooth scene that's truly enjoyable to the audience."

BOOM!!!

That was a profound shattering of my ego, a catalyst for change, and I've since been practising this skill consistently.

How Learning How to "Play Well with Others" has Transformed My Life

Since that profound learning, I've observed dramatic shifts in how I approach relationships and how I work. It has led to profound transformations in my life:

• I have better emotional intelligence and emotional regulation to not always speak my mind in meetings and group settings (even if I have the urge to) so as to protect everyone's safety and "face." (This is especially important when doing business in China, and Asia in general)
• I've learnt how to go from a solopreneur with trust issues and not being able to delegate, to growing a team to work with me, including a team of trainers who could take on my training programs so I can focus on growing the business.
• I've recently also co-facilitated large scale workshops with Anna Ong for a Public Speaking training, and Moe Poirier at ATD conferences in Singapore and Taipei.

The Importance of "Playing Well with Others" in Career and Business

In a world of Artificial Intelligence, businesses and societies are realising that building communities, forging authentic human connections and creating engaging workplace cultures are key success factors.

Therefore, learning to "play well with others" is a very important skill of the future. Trust me, any of these inner thoughts can affect your energy and how you show up when working with others. It may be more than what you say or do, people can pick up your energy at a subconscious way.

How to Develop the Skill of "Playing Well with Others"

Step 1: Start with Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the first step. If you're not aware of your own attitudes that may get in the way, or if you're not aware of how you come across to people around you, then it's impossible to change.

You can start by asking yourself these questions:

• When I'm in groups working with others, do you naturally compare myself with others in terms of reputation, perceived status, titles, amount of experience, eloquence, educational level? Do you sometimes feel "lesser off" compared to them?
• Do you sometimes feel that you constantly need to "prove your worth" in groups and teams? Do you find yourself overcompensating?
• Do you constantly feel the tension between 1) wanting to fit in and 2) wanting to also stand out in some ways?

Step 2: Centre Yourself Before Every Encounter

Whenever I go into a group discussions - whether it's meeting up multiple stakeholders and potential collaborators, or when I am moderating a conversation or co-facilitating a workshop, I always centre myself with the following 3 questions:

1. Check for Unconscious Bias: Do I have unconscious bias when approaching people, especially people I collaborate with (either by choice or by arrangement)? Or do I have a healthy set of filters that respect diversity but at the same time set boundaries to protect my interests?
2. Humility: Can I humble myself by going in to see people as they are, and not from the lenses of status, reputation or comparison? This way, I enter into the conversation seeing myself as equals
3. Curiosity: What would I need to know more about them? About the situation? What is something that if I know better, can help us work better together?

Step 3: Put the Collective Interest of the Group Over Self

Since I've learnt improv, I've always put "make your conversation partner look good" front, left and centre in all my group communications.

I always seek to work towards what's best for the group in every situation. For example, recently, I was having a meeting with a client together with one of my team-member. I'd made a simple suggestion, but my team-member immediately dismissed it, and said "let's not bother the client, they're busy."

I've to admit, being the boss, and being openly refuted by an employee in front of clients didn't feel good. But I remembered the mantra, "what can I do that would be for the best interest of the group." So I was able to park aside my annoyance, and let it slide, and wait till after the client meeting before I speak to my team-member in private.

This has helped me to navigate co-speaking and co-facilitation with other speakers - people whom you recall, a notoriously not great at sharing the stage.

Over to You! Do you "Playing Well with Others"?

I'll love to hear your thoughts, comments and feelings after reading this article:

• Do you agree that learning how to "play well with others" is a key superpower of the future workplace?
• How have you been able to "play well with others"?
• If you're not a natural like me, what conscious steps have you put in to train yourself in this skill?

More About Me

I am Coen Tan, a keynote speaker, high-impact trainer, coach and strategic communications consultant who's spoken to and trained over 50,000 individuals in over 15 countries, inspiring them to reclaim their voices and influence through their authentic stories.

My clients come from various sectors, such as Pharmaceuticals, FinTech, Banks, FMCG, Chemicals and Government Organizations, with notable names such as PayPal, American Express, Citibank, Bank of Julius Baer, Siemens Healthineers, Danone, Nestle, Prudential, AIA, AXA, Zurich Insurance, Roche, Merck, AstraZeneca amongst others.

In May 2024, I was conferred the title of Certified Speaking Professional (CSP), given to the Top 12% Speakers Globally.

If you'd like to engage me to empower your team, let's chat!